WELCOME TO MY SITE
I'm 17 and from middle-of-nowhere Iowa. I like art, especially drawing and graphic design. I'm a freshman at Iowa State University and double-majoring in graphic design and advertising. I believe everyone has a plan, and I think someday I'll do something big, but until then, my ramblings and musings are just White Noise...
Click on any of the links above to navigate my site, and please click on TALK to SIGN MY GUESTBOOK! Thanks!
ENTRIES
(NOTE: there are curse words in here, but you can't see them. to make them show, move your cursor over the word whenever you see @#$%.)
Another thing...everytime I think about this, tears well up in my eyes. What if I gain the Freshman 15?
I got my back braces off on Tuesday. It's kind of weird not having them on, but I can definitely get used to it! I get the front brackets off tomorrow. That's when I get my retainer. I don't know how I feel about the retainer thing. I might get annoyed with it and just want to have the pretty white teeth right now. But I have a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth, so at least I don't have to wear a retainer on the bottom ones all day (just at night).
My mom and I went to Chicago from Wednesday to Friday. It was fun, although I was a little disappointed with the food, and there were hardly any street performers. We ate at Gino's (deep dish pizza, finally!) and the Rosebud, which was in Little Italy, so we rode a cab there and back to Michigan Avenue, where our hotel was. Otherwise we walked everywhere. On Thursday we walked four hours (our record, however, is eight). It was great fun. I wanna go back!
Let's see...what else. Aubrey and my mom and I went to Des Moines a week from last Friday because two of my art pieces were showing in the Iowa State Fair (Lika and Behind Blue Eyes...). On our way we stopped in Ames to see if I had any books in (I didn't). Then I wanted to see the buildings where all my classes were, so we walked around a little bit, and my mom wanted to see if Friley was open. I was kind of @#$% cause I was like, "Mom, you're so dumb. They're not gonna let us in just cause I live there next semester. They're just gonna say I can wait until the sixteenth." Sure enough, the building was open, and they let us go up! So we went up and looked around my house. It was pretty cool, kind of old though. But we looked for my room and there was a note on the door that said someone was already there (it was Kyrstin's stuff; she hadn't moved in yet though), so we looked in Erika's room next door and the double next to her room to kind of get an idea of how it's going to be. Then we looked in the den and found the bathrooms. I'm a little nervous about those because there aren't very many shower stalls; my mom made it sound like the bathroom was going to be huge and it really wasn't. Oh well, we'll see on Wednesday!
Oh yeah, and the deviantArt thing. Aubrey told me that Parker came in to the restaurant and bragged about how good my vector art was. Okay, what?
On another note, tomorrow is Aubrey's birthday, and one week until I get my braces off! Yay!
So yea I had an anxiety attack at work...again. And it was so weird, it was like I was in a big bubble or something like how you see on the movies, everything was moving so fast... So the shift manager let me go to break and as soon as I did I went over to Italian (boo) to find Mitch, and I found him over in the kitchen area, and I asked if he would work until 10 for me. And he pretty much said, "No, I'm tired." So I went upstairs and started panicking and he came up and found me and pretty much sat there with me for two minutes, enough to see me looking like @#$% but not long enough to do anything about it. I understand though, because we were all so uncomfortable when Rachel had panic attacks, we pretty much just left her in the corner to deal with it herself. So I went back downstairs and the shift manager let me go. So I was freaking out today, not wanting to go back to work (it wasn't that bad) and I was really @#$%. But now I'm okay. I just hope when I work Friday (6:30-11, how much does that suck!) I don't freak out the same way. I put in my two weeks' notice today though, so my last day (until Thanksgiving break) will be August 5.
So yeah, Mitch kind of intrigues me. He's stopped talking to me as much. Used to be every time he was online he'd say hi, and he'd text me a couple times a day, and now he's pretty much stopped talking to me. It's like a light switch. Kind of makes me sad, because I didn't even do anything, but hey, what are you gonna do about it, I suppose...
All right, so I was checking out our favorite ex-boyfriend's Facebook pictures. And there's one of them that my mom took (that yes, he still has up) of him in a suit because we were going to a fancy restaurant. Okay, fine and dandy, right? But then the caption was, and I quote: "Me...chillin...I think i went out on a date that night". Um, what? Okay, I'll answer that one for ya. Yeah, you did. Just because you have a girlfriend now doesn't mean that you never had one before that. Whatever. I just don't like having my existance being denied. But then I started thinking about the @#$% that happened two summers ago. And I realized that I still haven't forgiven him. I sure as @#$% want to, because who wants to be hung up on something like that for years? But come on now. He really didn't talk about it too much after the fact; it was just forgotten. I haven't forgotten it! Every single time I hear his name I think about that incident. I was wondering if I subconsciously keep him in my life (at a distance) so I can watch his life (hopefully) unravel like mine did after that. Maybe not. I don't know how I feel. I just feel like he should be kissing my @#$% for the rest of his life to make up for that. Not like hardcore, but just being a nicer person than he is. I went through so much @#$% from what he did it's not even funny. It haunts me every day of my life. Thank God I found the strength to pull myself up from it. But still...I wish more than anything right now I could just let it go; Good Lord, it happened two years ago! I was fourteen. What kind of a fourteen-year-old girl should go through that? I could completely get over it if he wasn't there; there's something @#$% up about having someone you love and someone who supposedly loves you sitting there allowing and encouraging that to happen. That opened my eyes to a whole other world of people. Before that the world was so nice and I was so naive. And if you ever read this, I hope one day you'll understand what I went through, and am still going through. I would never in a million years wish that to happen to you (not even to my worst enemy...ever). Just one day I hope you're able to understand the depths of your actions. What you decided to do in two minutes affected my life for two years and counting. And if you get mad from what you're reading, @#$% you. It would just prove you to be a self-absorbed @#$%. You did it, and I suffered for it, and you find the audacity to be mad at me? Well, nothing's saying you're mad, but whatever. I hope one day, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but one day, it hits you like a brick. You hurt me in the worst way possible. Like I said, I never in a million years wish for it to happen to you, but I think if you even understood a fraction of what I've gone through, your life would change forever. Maybe some people wouldn't be as bothered by it, but like I said, I didn't want to (I'm not a @#$% @#$% that some people expect me to be), and you encouraged it and allowed it to happen. I haven't forgiven you, and I probably never will. I'll leave you with this thought: You so badly @#$% up my outlook on life, my opinion of men, and my ability to trust people. My outlook on life right now is amazing, I'm slowly learning to see men as more than just selfish horny @#$%, but as of right now I can count on one hand the people I trust. Good job.
So the other night I told Mitch I liked him, and he was basically like, "That's nice." And for a while I thought he just flat-out rejected me, but then I read through it, and maybe he likes me, but didn't say anything. So I was like, Why wouldn't he say anything? I was the one who put my @#$% on the line, it would have been so easy for him to just say, 'Guess what. I like you too.' But he didn't. So I was like, Yeah, he doesn't like me. But okay, so he doesn't like me, why is he still texting me twice a day and talking to me on MSN? So then I was like...@#$%. He's leading me on. Then I was like, Maybe he's just friendly. Maybe he talks to his friends a lot like that. So then I was like, Well, that takes a lot of work. He would have to have a lot of free time. So maybe he does like me? And thus completes the rollercoaster I've been on since last Saturday.
My mommy and I are planning another trip to Chicago! Yay! Hopefully the 9-12, if things work out right, otherwise we might have to leave on the 11th. Sadness...but yes I am uber-excited about it. Aubrey was in Chicago a few days ago on her way to Europe, and she said it's awesome, and she can totally see why I love it so much. Fun stuff, I'm totally jealous.
I don't know if I've written this on here yet, but I get my braces taken off August 8. (Otherwise we could leave for Chicago the 8-11, but nope, gotta stay for them @#$% braces.) I totally can't wait; it's not even funny. I'm so excited. And then I get my retainer on August 14, two days before I leave for Ames. Yay!
Aubrey left for Europe today. She texted me and said there's so many hot guys -- I'm totally jealous, to say the least. She'll be gone for like 23 days, I think.
So Hamburger died. The same way and place that Gizmo died. Not cool man. So we go to the pet store and they say, "Gerbils are so sweet...I've never in my life heard of a gerbil biting anyone!" So we got a gerbil named Pepper, who seemed the healthiest and most active of all the rodents there. Yeah, and last night I get home from the band thing (which I'll get to in a second) and I picked him up being all nice and stuff...he clamps his @#$% teeth down in my finger and won't let go! Just keeps biting harder and harder, so I put him over the cage, and he still is hanging on to my finger by his teeth! Ouch! So I fricking had tears in my eyes afterward (doesn't happen too often). So needless to say...the gerbil is going.
And last night I went to watch Mitch's band play again. They did pretty well. There were a couple bands that I haven't heard yet: ADHD and Time and Distance. ADHD had some really awesome guitar-things (how do you like my terminology) and Time and Distance...yeah, I just liked the music. Good stuff. There were five bands total. In this tiny little building, too. They blew a fuse three times! Sheesh...
So, time for confessions. Yay! So I really wanna tell Mitch I like him, hopefully ASAP. I'm prepared for anything...hopefully. Well, at least he'll know, and I won't be just sitting here like, Um, yeah, so what is going on? Yep. Good stuff.
First of all, I (kind of) lied to my grandma so I wouldn't have to work at the zoo today. I honestly would rather go to the ortho than sit around with a bunch of stinky dirty lambs chewing on my nice jeans. So I called the receptionist at the orthodontist and was like, "Yeah, can you get me in today?" And she said no, so I talked to my mom and I was like, "Mom, I really don't feel like going today. Will you call her?" So my mom lied for me. *sigh* I feel really bad.
And last night Mitch found out I'm sixteen. He was kind of joking around about how he can't talk to me anymore, etc., but I feel kind of bad because it probably looks like I was trying to hide stuff from him (which I wasn't), and I just hope he's not weirded out. It's not that big of a deal (at least I don't think) because we're less than 2 years apart, but whatever. Maybe he is? I don't know.
Yay, I got Facebook yesterday! And Ted messaged me, LOL. After not sending me a comment on MySpace, sheesh. "okay i see you have made your way onto facebook thas wassup....much love stay blessed holla." That was a nice little message; it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I was gonna say something else on here, but I forgot. Grrr...
Thought of the day: Boys suck.
With that being said, I gotta describe my weekend. First of all, I went to the movies with Mitch on Friday night and we saw The Breakup. I've told so many people about how badly it sucked that I really don't feel like getting into too much detail. The first half was total comedy, then it did a 180 and the second half it was a sappy chick flick. And they didn't even get together in the end. What was the point of this movie?
Then last night, I went to a 'concert' at some kid's house that hosted 5 bands, including Mitch's band. Gotta show some love. So yeah...In Parenthesis was first. I found my friend Royce and a couple of his gay friends that I had never met in my life; after about five minutes they were hanging all over me and joking around like we've known each other since who knows when. Kind of funny, but it was cool because at least I felt comfortable and stuff. So then Royce and Friends left, and I talked to Mitch for a while. We basically just stood around and listened to the bands, and I met a few of his friends and his sister, who looked extremely familiar. But anyway, yeah and then at about 1:00 this morning I get a text from him saying thanks for coming (a couple times) and sorry I didn't hang out with you that much. I was like, aww!
And my mom and I are going to the pet store today to buy a hamster. I said Cucumber, but I was talking to Mitch and he suggested the name Hamburger, and I figured Hammy for short. How cute is that? I totally wish I could take credit, Hamburger is an awesome name. LOL.
Right now, I'm okay. As far as life and boys are concerned, I'm just going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens, and I'll deal with it when I come to it. Lately I've been like that; usually I like everything to be so planned out, like, Okay, by this time, I'll have done this or this will happen, and I'll feel like this, and now I'm like @#$% that. I'm riding the wave that is life...
My mom is @#$% @#$% me off right now. I get less and less patience for her as the days wear on. She is extremely judgemental, which I have always known, but kind of been able to ignore, but now she is doing this thing where she's dissing me for the people I hang out with. One day she told me I had no friends. Like, what the @#$% is that? So today were were just talking about random stuff and out of nowhere I asked her if it would work if I let someone else use my meal card for ISU, and if it just took it off of my meals. And she was like, "Well, they would just use their own meal card." And just being stupid, I was like, "Well...what if they're not from Iowa State?" And she was like, "Tori, I don't think you'll have that many people from high school visiting you while you're at college." What the @#$%, mom? What is that? And I called her out on it, like, "There is no reason why you should feel the need to say that. It was completely unnecessary and didn't help anything." And she was like, blah, blah, blah, or whatever, and we were going back and forth a little bit, and finally she was like, "Okay, Tori. You know what? Nate probably isn't going to visit you because he won't have a car." I was like, "What the @#$%? Nate? What? I wasn't even remotely talking about him!" And she was like, "Well, I know that he e-mailed you yesterday, and then you acted all weird and went out to the car to talk to him..." And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. How did you know he e-mailed me?" And supposedly I had my e-mail pulled up, and so, yeah, it was fair game. That is such bull@#$%. Our monitor shuts off after like 10 minutes. And usually no one even touches my computer while I'm gone. So...ugh. I'm @#$% @#$%. She thinks she knows so much, she's all high-and-mighty and everyone outside of our immediate family is just complete and total @#$%. Except Aubrey. She likes Aubrey. But other than that, my high school is crap, the people in my high school are crap, and the whole @#$% town is a piece of crap. She's so condescending it's not even funny, and no talking in the world will get her to realize it. But you even try talking to her, and she has this dirty way of fighting. She'll accuse you of something, so you defend yourself, and then she @#$% you out for "yelling" at her. Maybe I'm a hypocrite for saying all this @#$%, because I'm probably just a mini-version of her, but I can't @#$% stand her right now.
And she was just standing over me saying, "Make sure you write everything I said in there," and I turned around and said, "What was that for?" And she was like, "I know you're mad, and you're frantically typing." So? @#$% you. But yeah, she said that she is just "upset" with me for calling Nate as soon as I got home, and I was like, "That's none of your business why I called him. I did what I did, it's over. Don't take @#$% out on me for one stupid thing I did." And she said something about not wanting me to go back out with him or something. Well, sorry sweetie. So she's upstairs now, but we were talking about how right after I broke up with Ted we got into a bunch of arguments too. And she said that Ted was fueling the fire, and yeah, he was, but I told her she was doing it on the other side too both then and now. And she denied it, but whatever. So I was like, "If I do remember right, the last three times Nate has come up in our conversation it's been because of you." And she just sat there. And I was like, Ha! What now? So now we're all cool and stuff, it was just a minor freakout, but she gave me permission to flip a @#$% if she said anything bad about Nate or any of my other friends. I was like, "I get it. You don't like Nate. I don't need to hear it for the sixth time today. The more negatively you talk about him, the more negatively I look at you." Silence. I savor the few times that I'm actually right.
Speaking of which, on my list of emotions for the day is: [1] sad, [2] confused, [3] angry, [4] frustrated, [5] embarassed, and [6] scared. I'm really sad about this whole thing, as ironic as it is. Yes, I broke up with him, so I don't know if I should be all peppy and like, Yay, I'm single! or however you're supposed to be after you break up with someone. I don't know. I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone; I know @#$% well I probably won't get it. I broke up with him and then I said some pretty @#$% stuff about it. So, okay, no sympathy. But this is how I feel. There's so many layers to it; I don't even know where to start, and the whole he-might-see-this thing is making me hesitate after about every sentence, but here we go. I'm so confused right now. Like I said, I'm not asking for sympathy. I @#$% up and I'm a @#$%. Just so we have that covered. But I actually feel like maybe I do actually have emotions deep down there somewhere, I feel really @#$% about this whole thing, and I just want things to be like how they were. Like, pre-breakup. That's right @#$%, I said it. Maybe I feel like this temporarily, maybe in a week I won't feel like that, but right now I still like him and I want to go back and...yeah. And it kind of saddens me about this whole thing because after what I said, I know that basically when we get back together is when Hell freezes over. Because, you can forgive someone or accept their apology or whatever, but that doesn't erase what was said. I am so thankful that he decided to even listen to me, because @#$%... Anyway, I know that it will definitely take a lot for him to be able to move on from what was said. Which is why...we go back to square numero uno. I want to go back out with him, I think. Who knows. I just want to talk to him and see him in person, and...yeah. I don't know. I want to know how he really feels about the whole situation, which I know is kind of corny me being a girl and all, saying, I want to talk!, but seriously, I want to see him. Lord knows now he's gonna read this, but whatever. Let him read it. As a matter of fact, hello there. What's up buddy? Hope you're having a splendid time reading this. And this...I keep reading it, it's all about what a @#$% I am. It's like a train wreck almost, definitely not the most flattering of all things, but I keep reading every single sentence over and over and, like, absorbing all of it. I don't know if that's good or bad, kind of like mental suicide, because like I said, it's not very flattering even remotely. But it's...I don't know. I just can't dismiss it. I know why, but maybe I just don't want to admit to it. There's a little truth to it. I am judgemental, I was always taught by my parents that judging people gets you out of bad situations and stuff. Maybe that was their excuse to judge people, I don't know. That's not an excuse for me or anything, I realize it and I'm going to try to work on it. Enough said. But...yeah. I've read this stupid thing too many times now to count. So yeah...I keep thinking the same things over and over. I @#$% up. I want @#$% to go back to how it was. I'll probably never ever get the balls to tell him so. Yeah, I broke up with him. I'm not supposed to change my @#$% mind. And I guess right now he has the best opportunity to take revenge on me for saying that @#$% about him. He finds out I still like him and he could just be like, "@#$% you, @#$%." So...yeah. Thus concludes the reasons why I am sad.
I feel like that was really unorganized. Therefore, I is confoosled.
Angry...ah, our friend Anger. Also another reason why I'm confused and why I keep saying I think I want to go back out with him. He is currently (well, last time I talked to him) "bribing" me to be on his Top 8. And my response to this is, "Wait, what?" I say "bribing" because I don't really know what it is. My take on this is like, if I'm you're friend, I'm your friend. What's this about making Tori look like a retard? Let's be nice here. I'm pretty positive it's all in fun, joking around, not a big deal, but still...kind of uncomfortable with the whole situation. So I am like supposed to do karaoke, which is no big deal; @#$%, I'd do it anyway. I'm a horrible singer, but who really gives a @#$%, I'd do it. But not in this situation. Like, I don't get it. It's funny, but nonetheless. Still. Like I said, I just want to talk to him and see what he thinks about @#$%.
Which makes me frustrated. Because I know @#$% well I won't get a chance to.
Embarassed. Yes, you'd be embarassed too. I'm not an emotional person, and all the sudden I'm sitting here like Oh-Em-GEE I want my boyfriend back! Um, yeah. But I'm here, I'm saying it. It's true. Whatever.
Yeah, a little scared. Scared of getting hurt, but that's nothing new. We all know about that now.
And on top of it all, I have nothing to do for the next two days! Yay! Mother@#$%...I have nothing to do but sit here, think about @#$%, and eat. Ohhh...and eat. Just what I need...
P.S. -- To the guy that this is about, if you're reading this, you probably know that it's you, but don't be embarassed or mad or whatever that you're in here. Like, I wasn't gonna put you on here after everything...I don't know. Not very many people read this. But I kind of wanted you to see it. I do have a heart, and if you want me to take it down, just say something. That is all.
Then I had some time to kill before work, so I'm like, "Yay, I'm gonna hop on the computer and check my e-mail." Well, good idea, Tori. Not gonna go into a whole lot of detail, but basically this website got my @#$% in trouble once again. So a lot of these posts will be taken off here in the near future. But yeah, basically...I wrote some @#$% that I really and truly didn't mean and just said in anger and frustration. Like, my last post, what the @#$%, dude? Was I drunk or something? Because I read it just now and I'm like...Yeahhh...um, no. I don't know. But I got a really nasty e-mail this morning that basically told me I'm a @#$% and I should burn in Hell for everything I said. And I just kind of sat there in a daze. Which, I gotta say, it was 100% justified. Because usually when people are mad at me, it's not justified, so it's just like, "Whatever, you nutjob, @#$% you too." But I was like, Yeah, I really was at fault, and I really did @#$% up. Like, hardcore, too. I really did say some @#$% I didn't mean, and I felt really bad about what I wrote, so I was gonna take it off, but I never got around to it until it was too late. Man, oh man, I @#$% up. Like, reading through this (good Lord), I...yeah. I was gonna write a little thing on here, from me to you, but I decided right now I should probably keep my mouth shut. Anyway, just know that my way of dealing with my feelings is either laughing it off (doesn't work out too good in most situations) or getting angry/@#$%. Not one of my greatest features, but what I said was in the heat of the moment and it was my way of pushing off my feelings. That's how I can go for months without crying. I used to cry all the time while I was with Ted, but after we broke up I decided it wasn't worth it, so I found other ways to vent. Like I said, laughing and getting angry. Not too cool, and I'm seriously, from the bottom of my heart sorry. But I don't want to say anything else about it; as of right now things are good. But anyway, out of respect and all that great stuff, I'm taking off a few of these posts.
That was like, the biggie (LOL, I just said 'biggie'), but also, my text messages aren't working! Last night I was kind of irritated that Aubrey didn't send me a text to tell me she wasn't gonna be over at my house, but then Mitch said something about he was sad that I didn't text him back. And I was like, "Uh...wha?" So yeah...I feel disconnected from the world. *tear* But at least my phone works. And we actually have @#$% electricity today.
My mom just made me do my own laundry. How much does that blow.
Oh, and my house smells like B.O. because my mom is making rhubarb crisp. I ate all the stuff to go on top. Yeah, like that will help my 126.5 pound stomach. Ugh.
ABOUT
(NOTE: there are curse words in here, but you can't see them. to make them show, move your cursor over the word whenever you see @#$%.)
I TOOK MY FIRST BREATH ON september 11, 1989
PLACE OF TORTURE iowa
LAST TIME I CHECKED, I WAS part norwegian, german, irish, native american, you name it...about everything european
SIGN virgo
WHEN I AM BORED, I AM PROBABLY on myspace...i'm addicted
SPORT probably tae kwon do or dance
FRUIT peaches
VEGETABLE mashed potatoes, green beans
CARD GAME i don't know, bull@#$%?
ANIMAL i forget. i'll just do the napoleon dynamite thing and say a liger
NUMBER 7 or 9
QUOTE OR SAYING oh man, i have a few..."you only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough" -- joe lewis; "in taking revenge a man is but even with his enemy, but in passing it over he is superior, for it is a prince's part to pardon." -- francis bacon
BREAKFAST FOOD honey nut cheerios, honey bunches of oats, cinnamon toast crunch, or toast with a sliced banana and peanut butter on it
TIME OF DAY pretty much any time
TEENAGE FASHION low-cut pants
ICE CREAM FLAVOR bunny tracks
TV SHOW nip/tuck, dr. 90210, mythbusters, project runway, america's next top model, csi:, and sex and the city
ACTOR johnny depp
ACTRESS angelina jolie
RAPPER ludacris
FLOWER red roses
BOARD GAME scrabble
MONTH any time between april and october
DAY OF THE YEAR christmas or thanksgiving
PAIR OF UNDERWEAR i love-love-love my american eagle boyshorts
FLAVOR OF PUDDING no pudding
CITY are you kidding me? of course chicago!
SPORT TO WATCH cheerleading
SPORTS DRINK nestle pure life strawberry splash
ALCOHOLIC DRINK no alcohol
POP no pop
FOOD chocolate chip cookie dough
COLOR pink, mint green, and silver
SCENT coffee or cinnamon bread
RESTAURANT olive garden
BOY NAME andre, like taye diggs on brown sugar
GIRL NAME sidney, like sanaa lathan on brown sugar
DESSERT probably a soft-serve ice cream cone
CANDY BAR no candy bars
BRAND NAME kenneth cole, louis vuitton, chanel, gucci
TEAM iowa state cyclones, duh
BOOK the bible and the da vinci code by dan brown
VIDEO GAME don't play video games, they're stupid
GAME i don't know, bull@#$% or scrabble...lol LAST 2 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER 60
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE i wouldn't be a crayon. i would be an oil pastel :)
FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX lips, eyes, hair...i don't know
HAIR COLOR dark brown
EYE COLOR blue
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS yes sir
SIBLINGS younger brother alexander
WPM about 55-60
SUMMER OR WINTER summer/fall
HUGS OR KISSES kisses
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA twist
RIGHTIE OR LEFTIE rightie
INNIE OR OUTIE innie
COKE OR PEPSI neither, can't taste the difference between them anyway
COFFEE OR CAPPUCCINO neither, no coffee
LIPTON OR NESTEA neither, no tea
MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING neither, no fast food
SINGLE OR GROUP DATES they both have their good points...probably single
PERFECT PIZZA mushrooms, black olives, and lots of cheese!
YOUR MOST OVERUSED PHRASE "that's ghetto" and "holy fricking @#$%"
BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE eyes, lips, hair
BEDTIME i try to be in bed by 11:00 on weekdays...i know...lol
PETS king dorothy, my beta; @#$%head, our purebred chocolate lab; moose, our cat; our chickens, turkens, and guinea hens
DO YOU SMOKE no
DO YOU SWEAR @#$% no
DO YOU SING yea, but i suck
DO YOU SHOWER DAILY yes!
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE i am
DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED yes
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS yes! especially on the elevators in chicago cause they go so fast
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE sure why not
ARE YOU A HEALTH FREAK pretty much
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS not my dad but my mom, yes very well
DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS yea, they're great fun
DO YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT not anymore, but i played flute for 5 years
EVER BEEN DRUNK yeah
EVER BEEN CALLED A TEASE i don't know, probably
EVER BEEN BEAT UP a few times in tae kwon do, but i'm thinking that doesn't count
WHAT COUNTRY WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT england
NUMBER OF CD'S YOU OWN probably not over 20, but i download (legally of course...lol) and i have an ipod
NUMBER OF PIERCINGS 5 right now...3 in left ear, 2 in right. i may get my bellybutton repierced, but i'm still thinking about it
NUMBER OF TATOOS zero
NUMBER OF THINGS IN MY PAST I REGRET none...i don't regret
CROUTONS OR BACON BITS croutons
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM CARPET this sick maroon-burgundy color
HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FAIL YOUR DRIVERS LISCENSE TEST none :)
IF YOU HAD TEN BUCKS AND NEEDED TO GET SOMETHING AT A GAS STATION, WHAT WOULD IT BE um, definitely a diet black cherry vanilla coke, and probably some cookies
IF YOU HAD TO BE REINCARNATED AS SOME SEA-DWELLING CREATURE, WHAT WOULD IT BE a dolphin, they're awesome
WEIRD THINGS THAT TURN YOU ON feet...lol...anyone who knows me knows that isn't true
WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELL PHONE it's a slideshow that came on the phone...a bunch of animals
IF YOU COULD ONLY USE ONE FORM OF TRANSPORTATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE an rv
IF YOU COULD INVENT ANY ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE hm...let me think about that one...
TEACHER YOU HAD THE HOTS FOR ew, mine is creepy, he was my high school geometry teacher
WHO GOT YOU TO JOIN MYSPACE kara
MOST ANNOYING THING PEOPLE ASK YOU "why are you a vegetarian?"
PERSON YOU WISH YOU WERE WITH MORE THAN ANYTHING mr. right...?
WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING IN 30 YEARS living successfully as a graphic artist in downtown chicago
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSEPAD kitties
CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE no, my tongue is probably the shortest in the world
FIRST THING YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING "@#$% alarm clock!"
DO YOU WALK IN THE RAIN OR USE AN UMBRELLA well, if i have my umbrella with me, i'll use it
DO YOU BELIEVE IN PDA'S if they're tasteful
WHO PAYS THE BILLS my mommy
WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO ON YOUR SUMMER VACATION go to chicago
GIRL YOU'D GO GAY FOR angelina jolie
IF YOU COULD BUY ANY CAR WHAT WOULD IT BE silver ferrari 360 modena spyder
ARE YOU AFRAID OF FLYING never flown
DO YOU OPEN YOUR PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE OR CHRISTMAS DAY i don't remember
DO YOU FLOSS EVERY DAY yea
WHAT IS THE NEXT VACATION YOU ARE TAKING OR THE MOST RECENT chicago :)
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR LIVING ROOM white, so boring
HOW DO YOU LIKE TO SPEND A RAINY DAY i don't know...draw, etc.
IF YOU WERE YOGURT WOULD YOU BE STIRRED OR FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM what? okay...i'd be fruit on the bottom cause sometimes i'm just not there...*smiles stupidly*
ONE THING YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR PAST IF YOU COULD nothing, without my past i wouldn't be who i am right now
ONE THING YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY nothing, i'm pretty awesome lol
HOW DID THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST MAKE YOU FEEL i'm going to be completely honest: when i saw it, it was so hyped up that i got out of the theater thinking, "what?"
HOW TALL ARE YOU like 5'6
DO YOU OPEN THE POP CAN ALL THE WAY OR HALFWAY all the way
ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE be a guest on oprah, live in downtown chicago, get married (i guess i should say learn to count too)
IF YOU COULD GO SHOPPING AT ANY STORE AND GET ANYTHING YOU WANT WHAT WOULD IT BE a louis vuitton purse
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE yea
ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW nope
HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE in my sleep, otherwise by carbon monoxide
CANDLES ON YOUR LAST CAKE i didn't have a cake this year! ...*tear*
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ON THE PHONE EVERY DAY depends...usually between five minutes and an hour
HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU SPEND ON THE INTERNET EVERY DAY i'm always online but not always at the computer
ICE CREAM OR COOKIES ice cream...i have it at least once a day
WHO IS YOUR DADDY you baby lol
IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO i think this was already asked, am i right? i said paris
ARE YOU CHRISTIAN yep, roman catholic
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR clowns, anything with a stinger (bees, wasps, etc.), falling in love again
DO YOU LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST @#$% yes, man!
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF not at all
RAINMAN OR FORREST GUMP forrest gump. never seen rainman
WOULD YOU CALL YOUR FAMILY DISFUNCTIONAL definitely
WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU ARE SAD my room
YOUR MOM'S NAME debbit...it's made up (my grandpa was an accountant, get it?)
DO YOU HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND me? have an imaginary friend? never...when i was little i had an imaginary friend for one day named addie
WHAT MAKES YOU HORNY stuff
MOST EMBARASSING MOMENT ooh, flashback to sixth grade...*cringes*
2 i graduated from high school 1 year early
3 i was already the youngest in my class, so i'll be 16 when i start college
4 which will be at iowa state university
5 tori backwards is "I rot"
6 i love tomato soup but hate tomatoes or ketchup (however you spell that!)
7 i'm a vegetarian
8 my favorite movie is brown sugar but i never watch it
9 the reason is because i only watch it only when i have a heartache so watching it when i don't reminds me of those times
10 i love ludacris
11 i have an (unfinished) page devoted to him
12 i would totally go gay for angelina jolie
13 my great-great uncle invented the garage door opener
14 i have to have the volume (tv, stereo, etc.) set to a number divisible by 5
15 my 3rd grade teacher died the year after i had her in school
16 everyone tells me i should be a model and secretly i really want to be one
17 i always sleep underneath a bedsheet, a blanket, and two comforters...even in the summer
18 i hate rereading books and rewatching movies...only exceptions: brown sugar, never die alone, and pirates of the carribbean
19 i collect keychains
20 when i was younger i collected bookmarks
21 however, the last book i've read on my own was in 8th grade
22 i always eat my food in at least two bites, even small things: popcorn, peanuts, m&m's...you name it 23 i have two obvious scars on my body...the biggest one is right under my right buttcheek
24 i got it when i was in 4th grade and was sitting on the kitchen counter...when i jumped down my skin got caught on the lazy susan underneath it
25 the other one i got in about 2nd grade from a bathroom stall door
26 i am always cold...i have really poor circulation
27 i have a thing against feet...i think they're absolutely disgusting
28 i honestly think the world will end within my lifetime...it just makes sense
29 i've never seen a dead body in my life, mostly because i think i'd be scared if i ever did
30 i didn't know how to blow a balloon up until i was in 5th grade
31 i didn't know how to blow a bubble until 6th grade and it was a class assignment
32 the smell of fast food makes me nauseous, as does the sight of french fries
FAVORITES
BAND OR MUSICAL ARTIST ludacris, black eyed peas, yellowcard, green day, fall out boy
UNIMPORTANT @#$%
100 THINGS
THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME
THINGS THAT SUCK
TO-DO
eat a real chicago deep-dish pizza...while in chicago
sneak into a movie theaterhave a deep conversation with a stranger
learn to play an instrument
go to canada
learn to drive a stick-shift
save $1000 of my hard-earned money
eat food off the ground
get a black belt in some kind of martial arts
waitress
see the American Gothic
tag something (a building, train, water tower, etc.)
kiss a guy with pop rocks in my mouth
kiss a stranger
be on tv
be on stage
get my bellybutton pierced
go on a ride at the amusement park i know i wouldn't otherwise
get my artwork in a museum
make out with someone i've just met
make a website dedicated totally to me
eat nothing but cereal for a day
fire a gun
run through the rain and not worry about my hair frizzing or my makeup smearing
go to prom
graduate high school one year early
steal a road construction cone
kiss a girl
kiss a guy with a tongue-ring
go on a blind date
fly a kite
pray in an empty church
finally get the balls to dump a guy that treats me like @#$%
RANDOMNESS
my BLOGGER CODE:
B6 d- k++ s u-- f+ o++ x-- e+ l c+
DECODE IT
i am worth $2,182,050 on
HUMANFORSALE.COM
WHO LINKS HERE
PHOLPH'S SCRABBLE GENERATOR
W H I T E . N O I S E
my scrabble© score is: 16
Help those less fortunate!
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(NOTE: there are curse words in here, but you can't see them. to make them show, move your cursor over the word whenever you see @#$%.)
Today is Thanksgiving. I had to work from 8 to 1 today, so I got home just in time to make apple salad and green beans and then we ate. I've been pretty pleased with myself lately; in the last week or two I've eaten less than I allowed for myself. Granted, it's still not as little as I would actually like, but for the most part, I'm doing well. Like, for example, there have been quite a few times (at least during one meal/snack per day) within the last week that I've just looked at my food and thought, I don't need that much, and I just won't eat it. Like the other day I decided I didn't want to eat my whole crescent roll, and today I planned on eating a big meal, probably seconds on salad and green beans and a large portion of priest potatoes, and I ended up only having 1/2 cup of green beans, 3/4 serving of priest potatoes, and 1/2 serving apple salad. Then tonight I planned to eat 3 or 4 pieces of lefse and some yogurt, and I decided to eat just one piece of lefse and some yogurt instead. Last weekend Grandma and Poppa came up and we went out to eat and they wanted to go out to eat (none of the rest of us wanted to...at least I didn't). Poppa's salmon was still cold in the middle, and they had already salted all my vegetables (I dislike salt). So good thing I took my own banana and peanut butter! When we were there I had a banana with peanut butter and a few bites of everything I got (corn, beans, and fruit cocktail, but I didn't eat the fruit). I'm finally getting some willpower! Hooray!
On another note, I was reading the Des Moines Register this morning, and as usual I was only reading the "Iowa Life" section, because everything else takes too long to go through, and I don't have that kind of time in the mornings. So I read the comics, 2 Cent Worth, and Dear Abby. Well, on the Dear Abby/2 cent worth page there was a huge article called "Dying to be Thin" or something like that. And there's this documentary on HBO coming out called Thin which tracks the lives of four anorexic girls as they go through therapy. I thought it looked really interesting, but I have to wait till the weekend to see it because we don't get HBO here. So I was really excited about it, and I was telling my mom on the phone (leaving out specific details) and I said that it was about society's pressures on girls to be skinny, and it was probably the opposite of Supersize Me (we love that movie) in the sense that whereas in Supersize Me, society puts out food that makes Americans fat, in Thin, it's about Hollywood putting out ideas that super-skinny is the way to be. And my mom was like..."Oh, that sounds cool, but they probably exaggerate it and trace the lives of like anorexic girls or...girls like that."
I've been really excited the last few days! It snowed, so I had to find some way to jog, so I went to the track at the gym; I never went earlier because I didn't know it was free. But it is! And I jogged 2 miles this morning! Whoo-hoo!
And I got 6 pairs of underwear at American Eagle for $12.50! Yay for bargains!
And I'm almost done with my drawing! After forever, it's about time!
It seems more and more I enjoy eating in my room by myself. It's not lonely anymore and I look forward to the days when I don't have to go to the UDCC and eat a tremendous amount of food when I'm not hungry. Just a random thought...
Oh, and I went jogging again tonight. It's like 65 degrees, so I decided to take advantage of that. It was so awesome, I went all the way around campus without stopping and I only sweated a tiny bit. I'm getting more in shape -- yay!
...And my iTunes doesn't work. This sucks!
Oh, but on another note, I lost .6 pound while I was at home, bringing me to 119.4 for today, which is pretty good but I'm hoping some of it is water-weight (I drank water like a mofo while I was there - at least 2 liters on Saturday and Sunday!) and I exercised so much. Oh, and I weighed myself on the scale at home and I weighed 117.0, but I don't know if it's because that scale is getting old and kind of not right (my scale is brand new) or what. But it still made me happy!
Now it's sleepytime...
Veggie burger and hamburger bun - 225
1/4 of a peach half
3/4 c sliced pears
3 breadsticks (2=150) - 225 - YUCK
1 1/4 c green beans
1 c cauliflower
For supper I will have a banana with 2 T peanut butter, and depending on whether they have beans for my salad, I may eat another veggie burger or I have 3 kringlas left over in my room. I hate eating, it's too much pressure. I'm disgusted by 120, I don't even want to weigh myself tomorrow - what if I weigh more? YUCK, 120 is way too much anyway but at least I'll have access to a treadmill tomorrow.
Then yesterday was Homecoming. I got all dressed up and stuff but I had to leave early because I was so cold, even when I had on three layers, two winter coats, a blanket, and I was sitting in a heated box. It was freezing and I couldn't get my body temp down.
Today Mom and I went shopping. I'm into kid's sizes now, which is exciting. I found some jeans that fit at Target -- yay! They were a 3 though, I forgot Target jeans are always so big (at American Eagle, a 0 is too big for me). But that's cool. I'm excited.
I was just looking around on some pro-ana sites, and I feel better; I feel like I got my fix for the day (LOL -- kidding!). I've eaten 1586 calories today, I wanted to get below 1500, but I had some grapes so hopefully that will make everything move through my system a little faster.
Man I'm tired, it's bedtime!
119.8, down from 120.6 yesterday, but today feels fat so I feel like I'm going to gain for tomorrow.
I couldn't jog this morning because it was raining, so instead I just went back to my room and was unproductive. (I was even ahead on time -- I could have ran longer!)
43 grapes and 3/4 bowl Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast. (Too much by the time I started eating the cereal -- I was glad I didn't eat it all but I still feel fat.)
Salad and green beans and banana for lunch. I got a roll too and I didn't eat it and I'm glad because right now I'm really anxious (I couldn't concentrate on my Math exam). I don't know what I'm going to do for tonight because I have to eat for two reasons: 1) I'm not eating supper tomorrow and I didn't eat supper yesterday. 2) I don't have enough good food in my room to last me both today and tomorrow when I don't eat. I hate it; I wish I could curl into a ball and not have to eat but unfortunately I do have to eat and therefore I have to worry about it. I shouldn't have had the green beans but I figured they are only 17 calories per half-cup so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but if I would have waited until supper to eat the green beans I could have eaten less calories and (maybe) more food. The more I think about it, I would rather just stay in my room to eat; going out is a pain in the @#$% anyway; it takes too much time. I wanted to get under 1500 to make up for yesterday (1700) and the day before (2100!), but I don't think I'm going to be able to do that; I've had like 1100 calories today.
English.
Speaking of @#$%hole psychologists, Ted is engaged. Hoooooooly @#$%. Good for him. No, really. I can't say that I feel that it'll be forever, but he's always been focused on the immediate present anyway. Seriously. Man, I should shut up, I'm in a bad mood, LOL.
Another thing...everytime I think about this, tears well up in my eyes. What if I gain the Freshman 15?
I got my back braces off on Tuesday. It's kind of weird not having them on, but I can definitely get used to it! I get the front brackets off tomorrow. That's when I get my retainer. I don't know how I feel about the retainer thing. I might get annoyed with it and just want to have the pretty white teeth right now. But I have a permanent retainer on my bottom teeth, so at least I don't have to wear a retainer on the bottom ones all day (just at night).
My mom and I went to Chicago from Wednesday to Friday. It was fun, although I was a little disappointed with the food, and there were hardly any street performers. We ate at Gino's (deep dish pizza, finally!) and the Rosebud, which was in Little Italy, so we rode a cab there and back to Michigan Avenue, where our hotel was. Otherwise we walked everywhere. On Thursday we walked four hours (our record, however, is eight). It was great fun. I wanna go back!
Let's see...what else. Aubrey and my mom and I went to Des Moines a week from last Friday because two of my art pieces were showing in the Iowa State Fair (Lika and Behind Blue Eyes...). On our way we stopped in Ames to see if I had any books in (I didn't). Then I wanted to see the buildings where all my classes were, so we walked around a little bit, and my mom wanted to see if Friley was open. I was kind of @#$% cause I was like, "Mom, you're so dumb. They're not gonna let us in just cause I live there next semester. They're just gonna say I can wait until the sixteenth." Sure enough, the building was open, and they let us go up! So we went up and looked around my house. It was pretty cool, kind of old though. But we looked for my room and there was a note on the door that said someone was already there (it was Kyrstin's stuff; she hadn't moved in yet though), so we looked in Erika's room next door and the double next to her room to kind of get an idea of how it's going to be. Then we looked in the den and found the bathrooms. I'm a little nervous about those because there aren't very many shower stalls; my mom made it sound like the bathroom was going to be huge and it really wasn't. Oh well, we'll see on Wednesday!
Oh yeah, and the deviantArt thing. Aubrey told me that Parker came in to the restaurant and bragged about how good my vector art was. Okay, what?
On another note, tomorrow is Aubrey's birthday, and one week until I get my braces off! Yay!
So yea I had an anxiety attack at work...again. And it was so weird, it was like I was in a big bubble or something like how you see on the movies, everything was moving so fast... So the shift manager let me go to break and as soon as I did I went over to Italian (boo) to find Mitch, and I found him over in the kitchen area, and I asked if he would work until 10 for me. And he pretty much said, "No, I'm tired." So I went upstairs and started panicking and he came up and found me and pretty much sat there with me for two minutes, enough to see me looking like @#$% but not long enough to do anything about it. I understand though, because we were all so uncomfortable when Rachel had panic attacks, we pretty much just left her in the corner to deal with it herself. So I went back downstairs and the shift manager let me go. So I was freaking out today, not wanting to go back to work (it wasn't that bad) and I was really @#$%. But now I'm okay. I just hope when I work Friday (6:30-11, how much does that suck!) I don't freak out the same way. I put in my two weeks' notice today though, so my last day (until Thanksgiving break) will be August 5.
So yeah, Mitch kind of intrigues me. He's stopped talking to me as much. Used to be every time he was online he'd say hi, and he'd text me a couple times a day, and now he's pretty much stopped talking to me. It's like a light switch. Kind of makes me sad, because I didn't even do anything, but hey, what are you gonna do about it, I suppose...
All right, so I was checking out our favorite ex-boyfriend's Facebook pictures. And there's one of them that my mom took (that yes, he still has up) of him in a suit because we were going to a fancy restaurant. Okay, fine and dandy, right? But then the caption was, and I quote: "Me...chillin...I think i went out on a date that night". Um, what? Okay, I'll answer that one for ya. Yeah, you did. Just because you have a girlfriend now doesn't mean that you never had one before that. Whatever. I just don't like having my existance being denied. But then I started thinking about the @#$% that happened two summers ago. And I realized that I still haven't forgiven him. I sure as @#$% want to, because who wants to be hung up on something like that for years? But come on now. He really didn't talk about it too much after the fact; it was just forgotten. I haven't forgotten it! Every single time I hear his name I think about that incident. I was wondering if I subconsciously keep him in my life (at a distance) so I can watch his life (hopefully) unravel like mine did after that. Maybe not. I don't know how I feel. I just feel like he should be kissing my @#$% for the rest of his life to make up for that. Not like hardcore, but just being a nicer person than he is. I went through so much @#$% from what he did it's not even funny. It haunts me every day of my life. Thank God I found the strength to pull myself up from it. But still...I wish more than anything right now I could just let it go; Good Lord, it happened two years ago! I was fourteen. What kind of a fourteen-year-old girl should go through that? I could completely get over it if he wasn't there; there's something @#$% up about having someone you love and someone who supposedly loves you sitting there allowing and encouraging that to happen. That opened my eyes to a whole other world of people. Before that the world was so nice and I was so naive. And if you ever read this, I hope one day you'll understand what I went through, and am still going through. I would never in a million years wish that to happen to you (not even to my worst enemy...ever). Just one day I hope you're able to understand the depths of your actions. What you decided to do in two minutes affected my life for two years and counting. And if you get mad from what you're reading, @#$% you. It would just prove you to be a self-absorbed @#$%. You did it, and I suffered for it, and you find the audacity to be mad at me? Well, nothing's saying you're mad, but whatever. I hope one day, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but one day, it hits you like a brick. You hurt me in the worst way possible. Like I said, I never in a million years wish for it to happen to you, but I think if you even understood a fraction of what I've gone through, your life would change forever. Maybe some people wouldn't be as bothered by it, but like I said, I didn't want to (I'm not a @#$% @#$% that some people expect me to be), and you encouraged it and allowed it to happen. I haven't forgiven you, and I probably never will. I'll leave you with this thought: You so badly @#$% up my outlook on life, my opinion of men, and my ability to trust people. My outlook on life right now is amazing, I'm slowly learning to see men as more than just selfish horny @#$%, but as of right now I can count on one hand the people I trust. Good job.
So the other night I told Mitch I liked him, and he was basically like, "That's nice." And for a while I thought he just flat-out rejected me, but then I read through it, and maybe he likes me, but didn't say anything. So I was like, Why wouldn't he say anything? I was the one who put my @#$% on the line, it would have been so easy for him to just say, 'Guess what. I like you too.' But he didn't. So I was like, Yeah, he doesn't like me. But okay, so he doesn't like me, why is he still texting me twice a day and talking to me on MSN? So then I was like...@#$%. He's leading me on. Then I was like, Maybe he's just friendly. Maybe he talks to his friends a lot like that. So then I was like, Well, that takes a lot of work. He would have to have a lot of free time. So maybe he does like me? And thus completes the rollercoaster I've been on since last Saturday.
My mommy and I are planning another trip to Chicago! Yay! Hopefully the 9-12, if things work out right, otherwise we might have to leave on the 11th. Sadness...but yes I am uber-excited about it. Aubrey was in Chicago a few days ago on her way to Europe, and she said it's awesome, and she can totally see why I love it so much. Fun stuff, I'm totally jealous.
I don't know if I've written this on here yet, but I get my braces taken off August 8. (Otherwise we could leave for Chicago the 8-11, but nope, gotta stay for them @#$% braces.) I totally can't wait; it's not even funny. I'm so excited. And then I get my retainer on August 14, two days before I leave for Ames. Yay!
Aubrey left for Europe today. She texted me and said there's so many hot guys -- I'm totally jealous, to say the least. She'll be gone for like 23 days, I think.
So Hamburger died. The same way and place that Gizmo died. Not cool man. So we go to the pet store and they say, "Gerbils are so sweet...I've never in my life heard of a gerbil biting anyone!" So we got a gerbil named Pepper, who seemed the healthiest and most active of all the rodents there. Yeah, and last night I get home from the band thing (which I'll get to in a second) and I picked him up being all nice and stuff...he clamps his @#$% teeth down in my finger and won't let go! Just keeps biting harder and harder, so I put him over the cage, and he still is hanging on to my finger by his teeth! Ouch! So I fricking had tears in my eyes afterward (doesn't happen too often). So needless to say...the gerbil is going.
And last night I went to watch Mitch's band play again. They did pretty well. There were a couple bands that I haven't heard yet: ADHD and Time and Distance. ADHD had some really awesome guitar-things (how do you like my terminology) and Time and Distance...yeah, I just liked the music. Good stuff. There were five bands total. In this tiny little building, too. They blew a fuse three times! Sheesh...
So, time for confessions. Yay! So I really wanna tell Mitch I like him, hopefully ASAP. I'm prepared for anything...hopefully. Well, at least he'll know, and I won't be just sitting here like, Um, yeah, so what is going on? Yep. Good stuff.
First of all, I (kind of) lied to my grandma so I wouldn't have to work at the zoo today. I honestly would rather go to the ortho than sit around with a bunch of stinky dirty lambs chewing on my nice jeans. So I called the receptionist at the orthodontist and was like, "Yeah, can you get me in today?" And she said no, so I talked to my mom and I was like, "Mom, I really don't feel like going today. Will you call her?" So my mom lied for me. *sigh* I feel really bad.
And last night Mitch found out I'm sixteen. He was kind of joking around about how he can't talk to me anymore, etc., but I feel kind of bad because it probably looks like I was trying to hide stuff from him (which I wasn't), and I just hope he's not weirded out. It's not that big of a deal (at least I don't think) because we're less than 2 years apart, but whatever. Maybe he is? I don't know.
Yay, I got Facebook yesterday! And Ted messaged me, LOL. After not sending me a comment on MySpace, sheesh. "okay i see you have made your way onto facebook thas wassup....much love stay blessed holla." That was a nice little message; it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I was gonna say something else on here, but I forgot. Grrr...
Thought of the day: Boys suck.
With that being said, I gotta describe my weekend. First of all, I went to the movies with Mitch on Friday night and we saw The Breakup. I've told so many people about how badly it sucked that I really don't feel like getting into too much detail. The first half was total comedy, then it did a 180 and the second half it was a sappy chick flick. And they didn't even get together in the end. What was the point of this movie?
Then last night, I went to a 'concert' at some kid's house that hosted 5 bands, including Mitch's band. Gotta show some love. So yeah...In Parenthesis was first. I found my friend Royce and a couple of his gay friends that I had never met in my life; after about five minutes they were hanging all over me and joking around like we've known each other since who knows when. Kind of funny, but it was cool because at least I felt comfortable and stuff. So then Royce and Friends left, and I talked to Mitch for a while. We basically just stood around and listened to the bands, and I met a few of his friends and his sister, who looked extremely familiar. But anyway, yeah and then at about 1:00 this morning I get a text from him saying thanks for coming (a couple times) and sorry I didn't hang out with you that much. I was like, aww!
And my mom and I are going to the pet store today to buy a hamster. I said Cucumber, but I was talking to Mitch and he suggested the name Hamburger, and I figured Hammy for short. How cute is that? I totally wish I could take credit, Hamburger is an awesome name. LOL.
Right now, I'm okay. As far as life and boys are concerned, I'm just going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens, and I'll deal with it when I come to it. Lately I've been like that; usually I like everything to be so planned out, like, Okay, by this time, I'll have done this or this will happen, and I'll feel like this, and now I'm like @#$% that. I'm riding the wave that is life...
My mom is @#$% @#$% me off right now. I get less and less patience for her as the days wear on. She is extremely judgemental, which I have always known, but kind of been able to ignore, but now she is doing this thing where she's dissing me for the people I hang out with. One day she told me I had no friends. Like, what the @#$% is that? So today were were just talking about random stuff and out of nowhere I asked her if it would work if I let someone else use my meal card for ISU, and if it just took it off of my meals. And she was like, "Well, they would just use their own meal card." And just being stupid, I was like, "Well...what if they're not from Iowa State?" And she was like, "Tori, I don't think you'll have that many people from high school visiting you while you're at college." What the @#$%, mom? What is that? And I called her out on it, like, "There is no reason why you should feel the need to say that. It was completely unnecessary and didn't help anything." And she was like, blah, blah, blah, or whatever, and we were going back and forth a little bit, and finally she was like, "Okay, Tori. You know what? Nate probably isn't going to visit you because he won't have a car." I was like, "What the @#$%? Nate? What? I wasn't even remotely talking about him!" And she was like, "Well, I know that he e-mailed you yesterday, and then you acted all weird and went out to the car to talk to him..." And I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. How did you know he e-mailed me?" And supposedly I had my e-mail pulled up, and so, yeah, it was fair game. That is such bull@#$%. Our monitor shuts off after like 10 minutes. And usually no one even touches my computer while I'm gone. So...ugh. I'm @#$% @#$%. She thinks she knows so much, she's all high-and-mighty and everyone outside of our immediate family is just complete and total @#$%. Except Aubrey. She likes Aubrey. But other than that, my high school is crap, the people in my high school are crap, and the whole @#$% town is a piece of crap. She's so condescending it's not even funny, and no talking in the world will get her to realize it. But you even try talking to her, and she has this dirty way of fighting. She'll accuse you of something, so you defend yourself, and then she @#$% you out for "yelling" at her. Maybe I'm a hypocrite for saying all this @#$%, because I'm probably just a mini-version of her, but I can't @#$% stand her right now.
And she was just standing over me saying, "Make sure you write everything I said in there," and I turned around and said, "What was that for?" And she was like, "I know you're mad, and you're frantically typing." So? @#$% you. But yeah, she said that she is just "upset" with me for calling Nate as soon as I got home, and I was like, "That's none of your business why I called him. I did what I did, it's over. Don't take @#$% out on me for one stupid thing I did." And she said something about not wanting me to go back out with him or something. Well, sorry sweetie. So she's upstairs now, but we were talking about how right after I broke up with Ted we got into a bunch of arguments too. And she said that Ted was fueling the fire, and yeah, he was, but I told her she was doing it on the other side too both then and now. And she denied it, but whatever. So I was like, "If I do remember right, the last three times Nate has come up in our conversation it's been because of you." And she just sat there. And I was like, Ha! What now? So now we're all cool and stuff, it was just a minor freakout, but she gave me permission to flip a @#$% if she said anything bad about Nate or any of my other friends. I was like, "I get it. You don't like Nate. I don't need to hear it for the sixth time today. The more negatively you talk about him, the more negatively I look at you." Silence. I savor the few times that I'm actually right.
Speaking of which, on my list of emotions for the day is: [1] sad, [2] confused, [3] angry, [4] frustrated, [5] embarassed, and [6] scared. I'm really sad about this whole thing, as ironic as it is. Yes, I broke up with him, so I don't know if I should be all peppy and like, Yay, I'm single! or however you're supposed to be after you break up with someone. I don't know. I'm not asking for sympathy from anyone; I know @#$% well I probably won't get it. I broke up with him and then I said some pretty @#$% stuff about it. So, okay, no sympathy. But this is how I feel. There's so many layers to it; I don't even know where to start, and the whole he-might-see-this thing is making me hesitate after about every sentence, but here we go. I'm so confused right now. Like I said, I'm not asking for sympathy. I @#$% up and I'm a @#$%. Just so we have that covered. But I actually feel like maybe I do actually have emotions deep down there somewhere, I feel really @#$% about this whole thing, and I just want things to be like how they were. Like, pre-breakup. That's right @#$%, I said it. Maybe I feel like this temporarily, maybe in a week I won't feel like that, but right now I still like him and I want to go back and...yeah. And it kind of saddens me about this whole thing because after what I said, I know that basically when we get back together is when Hell freezes over. Because, you can forgive someone or accept their apology or whatever, but that doesn't erase what was said. I am so thankful that he decided to even listen to me, because @#$%... Anyway, I know that it will definitely take a lot for him to be able to move on from what was said. Which is why...we go back to square numero uno. I want to go back out with him, I think. Who knows. I just want to talk to him and see him in person, and...yeah. I don't know. I want to know how he really feels about the whole situation, which I know is kind of corny me being a girl and all, saying, I want to talk!, but seriously, I want to see him. Lord knows now he's gonna read this, but whatever. Let him read it. As a matter of fact, hello there. What's up buddy? Hope you're having a splendid time reading this. And this...I keep reading it, it's all about what a @#$% I am. It's like a train wreck almost, definitely not the most flattering of all things, but I keep reading every single sentence over and over and, like, absorbing all of it. I don't know if that's good or bad, kind of like mental suicide, because like I said, it's not very flattering even remotely. But it's...I don't know. I just can't dismiss it. I know why, but maybe I just don't want to admit to it. There's a little truth to it. I am judgemental, I was always taught by my parents that judging people gets you out of bad situations and stuff. Maybe that was their excuse to judge people, I don't know. That's not an excuse for me or anything, I realize it and I'm going to try to work on it. Enough said. But...yeah. I've read this stupid thing too many times now to count. So yeah...I keep thinking the same things over and over. I @#$% up. I want @#$% to go back to how it was. I'll probably never ever get the balls to tell him so. Yeah, I broke up with him. I'm not supposed to change my @#$% mind. And I guess right now he has the best opportunity to take revenge on me for saying that @#$% about him. He finds out I still like him and he could just be like, "@#$% you, @#$%." So...yeah. Thus concludes the reasons why I am sad.
I feel like that was really unorganized. Therefore, I is confoosled.
Angry...ah, our friend Anger. Also another reason why I'm confused and why I keep saying I think I want to go back out with him. He is currently (well, last time I talked to him) "bribing" me to be on his Top 8. And my response to this is, "Wait, what?" I say "bribing" because I don't really know what it is. My take on this is like, if I'm you're friend, I'm your friend. What's this about making Tori look like a retard? Let's be nice here. I'm pretty positive it's all in fun, joking around, not a big deal, but still...kind of uncomfortable with the whole situation. So I am like supposed to do karaoke, which is no big deal; @#$%, I'd do it anyway. I'm a horrible singer, but who really gives a @#$%, I'd do it. But not in this situation. Like, I don't get it. It's funny, but nonetheless. Still. Like I said, I just want to talk to him and see what he thinks about @#$%.
Which makes me frustrated. Because I know @#$% well I won't get a chance to.
Embarassed. Yes, you'd be embarassed too. I'm not an emotional person, and all the sudden I'm sitting here like Oh-Em-GEE I want my boyfriend back! Um, yeah. But I'm here, I'm saying it. It's true. Whatever.
Yeah, a little scared. Scared of getting hurt, but that's nothing new. We all know about that now.
And on top of it all, I have nothing to do for the next two days! Yay! Mother@#$%...I have nothing to do but sit here, think about @#$%, and eat. Ohhh...and eat. Just what I need...
P.S. -- To the guy that this is about, if you're reading this, you probably know that it's you, but don't be embarassed or mad or whatever that you're in here. Like, I wasn't gonna put you on here after everything...I don't know. Not very many people read this. But I kind of wanted you to see it. I do have a heart, and if you want me to take it down, just say something. That is all.
Then I had some time to kill before work, so I'm like, "Yay, I'm gonna hop on the computer and check my e-mail." Well, good idea, Tori. Not gonna go into a whole lot of detail, but basically this website got my @#$% in trouble once again. So a lot of these posts will be taken off here in the near future. But yeah, basically...I wrote some @#$% that I really and truly didn't mean and just said in anger and frustration. Like, my last post, what the @#$%, dude? Was I drunk or something? Because I read it just now and I'm like...Yeahhh...um, no. I don't know. But I got a really nasty e-mail this morning that basically told me I'm a @#$% and I should burn in Hell for everything I said. And I just kind of sat there in a daze. Which, I gotta say, it was 100% justified. Because usually when people are mad at me, it's not justified, so it's just like, "Whatever, you nutjob, @#$% you too." But I was like, Yeah, I really was at fault, and I really did @#$% up. Like, hardcore, too. I really did say some @#$% I didn't mean, and I felt really bad about what I wrote, so I was gonna take it off, but I never got around to it until it was too late. Man, oh man, I @#$% up. Like, reading through this (good Lord), I...yeah. I was gonna write a little thing on here, from me to you, but I decided right now I should probably keep my mouth shut. Anyway, just know that my way of dealing with my feelings is either laughing it off (doesn't work out too good in most situations) or getting angry/@#$%. Not one of my greatest features, but what I said was in the heat of the moment and it was my way of pushing off my feelings. That's how I can go for months without crying. I used to cry all the time while I was with Ted, but after we broke up I decided it wasn't worth it, so I found other ways to vent. Like I said, laughing and getting angry. Not too cool, and I'm seriously, from the bottom of my heart sorry. But I don't want to say anything else about it; as of right now things are good. But anyway, out of respect and all that great stuff, I'm taking off a few of these posts.
That was like, the biggie (LOL, I just said 'biggie'), but also, my text messages aren't working! Last night I was kind of irritated that Aubrey didn't send me a text to tell me she wasn't gonna be over at my house, but then Mitch said something about he was sad that I didn't text him back. And I was like, "Uh...wha?" So yeah...I feel disconnected from the world. *tear* But at least my phone works. And we actually have @#$% electricity today.
My mom just made me do my own laundry. How much does that blow.
Oh, and my house smells like B.O. because my mom is making rhubarb crisp. I ate all the stuff to go on top. Yeah, like that will help my 126.5 pound stomach. Ugh.
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